In September and October 2016 I did the 1000km Bibbulmun Track Solo, North-South. Here’s a few excerpts from my journal.
Happy birthday Mum! First time in years haven’t organized a present for her. Hopefully enough of a present that she is spending another night and day with me on the track tomorrow night. Today was so easy it felt like a holiday. Slept really well last night, 7-5:15, woke a couple of times but each time straight back to sleep and no getting up to pee! Walked with Helle and March girls (x2) all day, so slower than my usual pace – and only 15km! Reached tree top walk @ 1300, did it ($21, ergh) was pretty boring tbh. Short. No better than the free one at the zipline place in the Otways. Then the giant something walk, which was fine, but we’ve seen enough tingles during the Bib! Anyway, whatev, it passed the time. Terrible $3 push button machine coffee, black. Not as bad as 3(3.50?) instant @ Mumbellup Tav. V hungry again. Interested to know how much weight have lost. Don’t think it can be much, think look v similar in mirror. A rap-looking dude and two chicks just wandered past on a day walk – they asked ‘do you guys know where this track ends?’ and we look at each other…‘Um…Albany’ haha! ‘Shit, we’re turning around now then!’. Funny.
My competitiveness is coming out, as I anticipate seeing Mr Deer soon – can’t see him singling these days! Too easy! If Mum wasn’t meeting me would maybe double tomorrow just from boredom/something to do. In fact almost surely. Obvs regained strength in Walpole. Sigh, again, so frustrating to have someone else dependent and not free to change plans at will! What is the lesson here? Was thinking just today about wanting to practice being less independent. Don’t want to be resenting Mum before she arrives. She asked me more than once if it was still ok that she was planning to come, and I could’ve said I wanted to be alone. Hopefully it is a nice night. What’s one night, anyway. I was all afraid of being alone earlier in the piece, now I’m afraid of not enough alone time. At least not doubling tomoz means stretching it out one more night – now that I’m getting anxious about finishing! Crazy mind. Anxious to start, anxious about not finishing, anxious about finishing. Is it never happy/satisfied?
Light rain on the roof, we’re all sitting here reading/writing. All hoping no one else turns up. Darren last night was a ‘character’ – it felt odd to have someone else in ‘the group’. Spend a few days with the same people and you feel like you’ve always been travelling together. The trees around these parts have a story. Put your hand on them and you can feel it. So horrified by the quote in the Tree Top Walk discovery centre from an early settler saying how great it felt to take a sharp axe to the ancient karris and ‘rob them of their majesty’. What arseholes.
No clearer today about life purpose. Feel may not get clearer by end of trip. Or for long time perhaps. A bit afraid of going back to Melb and just falling into Melb life as per usual and then into pit of despair. What have I learned from being out here, doing this? That I can do hard things. That I am ok by myself. That there is always ebb and flow, change and movement. Nothing stays the same. Just keep moving. One step at a time. That I want to live in nature, and especially the sea. That I don’t want to get caught up in the biz. I don’t want that life. Right now I feel (again) like I want to leave it. Don’t want to strive for riches – see that I don’t need much. When you live in a society that has a lot, you want for a lot. When you live with less, you want less. (Sitting here in my mozzie free cave is so great. I can see them buzzing around and landing on the mesh. Fuck you, mother fuckers! You can’t get me!).
I don’t know. How do I know what I want to do? And I feel ashamed that the prospect of working in the business and eventually getting rich is a lure to me staying in the status quo in Melbourne – even though I just declared that I want to lie with less. Maybe I want to want to, but in reality I want to live in a beautiful house and have nice things and travel etc. Already I’m eyeing off other hikers’ down jackets and wanting to buy another (thicker) one. Even though this one has been perfectly adequate for this trip. Sigh. No answers.